Happy New Year!

It's traditional to wish everyone health and happiness for New Year - that may seem laughable when we're talking about mental health and some very unwell and unhappy people. So my seasonal offering to you is I wish you progress - whether that's stepping one foot outside your front in 2015, whether that's finally accepting there's something wrong and going to see your doctor about it or whether that's moving through the recovery process and 'living well with mental health'.

Happy New Year x

Most read posts of 2014

Towards the end of 2014 we have been trying to provide you with blog posts much more frequently to let you know what we're doing at MHAG and discuss all things mental health. That's definitely something we'll be doing more of in 2015! But for now here's our three best-read blog posts of 2014 in case you missed them first time round:

1. LIVING WITH ANXIETY

  

2. THANK YOU HILLCREST

3. PRIDE OF REDDITCH

My mental health New Year's resolutions

It's the time of year now, with all the indulgence of Christmas pretty much over, when people start thinking about their New Year's resolutions. There's always the standard ones of shifting a few pounds, joining a gym, stopping smoking etc. and I'm sure I'll pledge to do a few things myself, forget about them and then bemoan my lack of progress in November/December 2015! But one thing I can be sure of is my continued dedication to the mental health cause, so to that end I've put together a list of eight resolutions:

My mental health New Year's Resolutions:

1. Not ever feel worried about sharing my mental health story - it could potentially help people to know about it whereas no one will benefit if I remain silent.
2. Continue pushing MHAG's aims of tackling stigma, promoting services and pushing for better services.
3. Speak up whenever I see mental health not being treated as importantly as physical health.
4. Look out for those who could be struggling from mental health issues, even if they are hidden, and act where I can to alleviate those issues.
5. Recognise the symptoms of my own mental health issues and act more quickly if they start worsening.
6. Read as much as I can about developments in law, treatments and charity campaigns.
7. Plan a fund-raising challenge in aid of MHAG.
8. Finish editing my journal about my experience of recovery.

Merry Christmas!

I'm now taking off a few days over Christmas to recharge my batteries and get ready for all 2015 has in store! I'm very excited about the possibilities in the coming year and where we could be by the time Christmas 2015 approaches. In the meantime I'd like to send each and every one of you warm wishes - although life with a mental health issue is never easy and can be particularly tough over what is meant to be the 'most wonderful time of the year', I hope all of you find the strength to make it through and that with the help of all the fantastic organisations who work within Redditch, a stable, supported and perhaps even enjoyable 2015 is in store for all of you.

 

 

 

For now, I'll leave you with a few dates for your diary:

 

January 7 - Care Quality Commission drop in session to share experiences of using the Worcestershire Health and Care Trust. Town Hall. 6.30pm to 8.30pm. Please contact

admin@healthwatchworcestershire.co.uk or 01386 550264 to book a place.

January 20 - Jigsaw project initial meetings with interested organisations. Town Hall. 1pm or 7pm.

January 29 - MHAG monthly meeting. Town Hall. 7pm.

February 26 - MHAG monthly meeting. As before.

February 27 - joint MHAG and Macmillan Cancer Support quiz. Town Hall. 7pm. Contact us for £2 tickets.

March 14 - Spring Fling ball at Studley Castle.

 

Every MHAG monthly meeting will be on the last Thursday of a month other than March when it will be the 19th and December when it will be the 17th.

The MHAG Christmas speech

A rough copy of what was said last night at MHAG's Christmas meeting:

 

It seems like it's been an absolute lifetime since I was sat here in front of you at our Christmas 2013 meeting talking about everything we'd achieved in the months previously since we began in May that year. I like to think 2014 was the year which will lay the foundations for MHAG making an impact on residents struggling with their mental health in years to come.

We have so many projects in various stages of planning which I genuinely believe will make a difference in this town. We talk about the projects at every MHAG meeting and you also get regular updates if you're on our email circulation list so I won't go into then too much except to extend my absolute thanks to our teams – specifically Neil, Elaine, Beth and Andrea for the mentoring project, Fay for the jigsaw project and Sarah, Helen and Pam for the signposting project - but I do just want to go through a whistle-stop tour of everything MHAG has been doing this year. It might be a little bit naval-gazing but I think it's important for us to do at least twice a year (at Christmas and at our AGM) but this is a much more informal way of doing it than at the MHAG and also will hopefully fill us with a lovely warm glowy feeling just before Christmas!

Having looked back through my diary for the year, the very first thing I did with MHAG this year was on January 3, a meeting with Elaine and Neil about what was to become the highly-successful mentoring project. The first event we attended was the LGBT awareness event at Redditch Library on February 1 and the first event we actually co-ordinated was the Valentine's Ball which all who attended seemed to really enjoy – so much so we are hosting another ball in 2015, although this time the theme will be spring. We did a couple of walks in spring as preparation of our Three Peaks challenge – this is something we are still really keen to do but we decided attempting to do it this year with little training would have been very silly and next year is so busy for both myself and Beccy that we think 2016 is going to be our year! My motto very much is if you're going to do something, do it properly so I hope to be putting together a training programme for 2015 so we can ensure we have the best possible chance of completing the event in 2016.

Personally I had a little bit of an MHAG lull in late spring to early summer while I was trying out the mental health services in Redditch for myself (Beccy kept calling it an MHAG field trip every time we went to a new service!) - but rather than dwell on the bad experience I like to think it's pushed me to make MHAG as great as possible and to ensure we are working as hard as we can for anyone else who is in the same position I was.

In July, Beccy spoke to Disability Action Redditch about the work we do. I think it's great so many other organisations in Redditch are interested in what we do and want to find out more! We have such strong links with so many group and that's something we really hope to continue going forward. Of course we have had speakers at our monthly meetings too including Dr Tim Lee who spoke about what the CCG are doing. We had the huge honour of being made one of the mayor's charities for 2014/15 and I'm sure we'll all agree the work Pat Witherspoon is doing to highlight mental health and dementia during her mayoral year is fantastic. As part of that there was the comedy night at the Palace Theatre which was hilarious and struck just the right note between lots of laughs and being thought-provoking. As part of our connection with the Alzheimer's Society, the other mayoral charity, we got to take part in their dementia friendly community walk at Arrow Valley Lake which was a great experience.

Fast forward to October to our second Wellbeing Week – it started with a poetry night which went better than any of us could have expected with over 30 attendees and lots of people getting up on stage during the open mic part of the night – as well as the scheduled speakers - which was very powerful. Our two-day advice shop at the Kingfisher Centre was also a great success and it was great this year that we were able to include an element of interactivity with food making, face painting, colouring and other activities providing a chance for the kids to get involved while we chatted to their parents.

We launched our pledge which is doing well online and in print and then the week after that Mary's support group and some of the MHAG members had the chance to speak to Luciana Berger, shadow minister for public health which includes mental health, during her visit to Redditch. More recently we attended the Pride event at Heart of Worcestershire College and hosted an evening about the mentoring event which I hear went very well! All this alongside the mentoring pilot and setting up the jigsaw and signposting projects – and meeting the movers and shakers as Neil would call them - and I think it's safe to say we are starting to make a real impact in the borough.

But whilst I can look through my diary and detail the events we've hosted and attended, the meetings we've been at and the influential people we've reached out to – what I can't measure is the stigma we've helped dispell. Our last speaker of the year Laney Walsh spoke about Redditch being a progressive town where we were doing more than most to tackle mental health stigma. I couldn't agree more. I really relish the fact it's quite normal for people to see us out and about in our MHAG t-shirts or for us all to be regularly starting conversations about mental health. That was the entire aim of MHAG – if one person feels more comfortable talking about their illness then we have made a splash and we can be hugely proud collectively that we've come together in our spare time to make that happen.

What I also can't measure is what you've all done for me personally. There is no possible way for me to tell you all how much you've changed my life and how much being a part of something as great as MHAG kept me going through some pretty bad times. During our very first meeting last May I was overwhelmed by the fact people were willing to come and share their stories with us and I'll let you into a little secret – sometimes (very occasionally) I fall silent for a bit during each meeting and that's when I'm looking around thinking how absolutely wonderful all of you are and how proud I am to call you all not only my fellow MHAG members but also my friends. I don't need to tell you all mental health is a dark, scary, lonely and terrifying place but having such a wonderful support network around me helped get me through my journey and turn everything around for me. I try not to single individuals out in my little speeches as no doubt I will forget someone and cause offence – and she will have a go at me later for doing this – but I do want to especially thank Beccy. She'll be rolling her eyes at this point and trying to claim she's done nothing! We often talking about breaking down closed doors when it comes to stigma and all of you do that every day but the lady on my right physically broke down my door to get to me (on her birthday of all days) when I was at my lowest point and had given up on staying alive. She won't ever tell you she did that but I think people should know – firstly so that you can marvel at how strong she is! And secondly because it shows the impact MHAG said. I would be dead if MHAG hadn't happened.

So at this point I'll end this speech because there's refreshments to enjoy but I just can't thank you all enough and we continue breaking down doors – hopefully metaphorically not physically – for a long time yet.

Functioning with a mental health illness

The more I get into the world of mental health the more I become convinced most people broadly fit into one of two categories: non-functioning or functioning.

The first group is the one which probably receives the most attention and there is the most awareness around - it's the group who may not be able to work because of their mental health issues, they may be unable to hold down a relationship or any regular commitment such as volunteering, they withdraw almost completely from society due to the impact of their illness. 

But there is also another huge group of people who are what I've come to term 'functioning' because far from withdrawing, they seem to become more involved the more impact their health has on them. I have definitely always been in this bracket and I think that makes it much harder for others to see there is a mental health issue present or to understand it once it does emerge.

When your life's so full anyway and then you take on more and more in an attempt to mask your illness, it becomes your way of living that you pile more and more into your schedule and limit the amount of time you actually have to sit down on your own and confront the fact you're poorly.

People kept telling me 'you'll make yourself ill with all this work' but they didn't realise I was actually already ill and using that to mask it. When I was eventually admitted on to the ward, it was almost a relief to grind to a complete stop and do nothing. It was also a shock to the system to do a complete 180.

I feel whilst any stigma-reducing or awareness-increasing around mental health is valuable, we need to start thinking more about both groups of people. Yes it's important to look at the 'non-functioning' group and how to get them more involved in society but we also need to be aware of the huge numbers of people who from the outside might look alright - with a job, home, stable relationships etc - but in reality are struggling under the huge weight of the burden of mental illness.

Round Table Christmas collection

Tonight a group of us went out with Redditch Round Table as part of their Christmas collection. As experiences go, it was pretty surreal! We were all dressed as snowmen accompanying Santa and his sleigh around the streets of Brockhill.

But firstly it was an amazing way to get into the Christmas spirit - what could be more heart-warming than seeing children's faces light up as Santa comes into view waving at them! And of course the main reason we were there - to raise money for charity. It was ourselves and Redditch Heart Safe who were volunteering tonight but the members of the Round Table are making their way round most the areas in the town with various charities in the run-up to Christmas. Well done to all those involved! What a great event! And thank you so much to all our volunteers who came along!

Pride of Redditch

Last night I was thrilled to receive a Pride of Redditch award for the second year running. The reason I'm sharing this with you is I feel each of our MHAG members deserve a little piece of this too, so whilst I'm not going to start snapping them into little pieces and throwing them into the audience like Cady in Mean Girls I do want to thank each and every person who's ever supported my little charity group.

It started out as a discussion in a pub between myself and Beccy. We wondered if we could get some like-minded people together to talk about mental health. Less than two years later and I now have two shiny certificates to symbolise how far the group has come.

But more than that, I have an amazing set of new friends who I love dearly, MHAG is recognised in the county by most of the statutory services and is supported heavily by the voluntary sector. People are starting to know the group's name, who we are and what we do. People are starting to know they can turn to us if they need help. We are making a real difference.

All of this means the world to me. I can never put into words how important MHAG is to me and how proud I am to be associated with all the amazing people the group has attracted.

So thank you MHAG - these are for you!

Christmas with MHAG

Just a quick reminder of all we have going in the coming week:

Saturday and Sunday (13th and 14th): Christmas support information sessions

Redditch town centre - 10.30am to 2.30pm both days.

Monday (15th):

Redditch Round Table

Brockhill - 5pm onwards.

Why not join us for the evening helping the Round Table collect for extremely worthwhile charities across the town? Email redditchmhag@gmail.com or call 07788 379389 to get involved.

Thursday (18th):

MHAG Christmas event

Town Hall - 7pm.

Mince pie and mental health combine as we look back over 2014, look ahead to next year and enjoy some refreshments.

Hope to see as many of you as possible during our last three events of 2014!

'Cheer up' and other ridiculous things people say

 

 

One of the main reasons we set up MHAG was to encourage residents in Redditch to talk about their mental health. However, that very much comes with the caveat these must be educated and informed discussions to further the cause, reducing stigma and closing the gap between mental and physical health. So for those who perhaps need a little gentle reminder, here's a (by no means comprehensive) list of some things it's just not helpful to tell someone with mental health issues *warning: may contain doses of sarcasm*:

 

You look okay: Well of course I do, I have a 'mental' health issue - the clue is very much in the name!

 

You should be grateful for all the good things you have in life: Mental health is not about gratitude, in fact the people I meet who are affected are often acutely aware of just how much their friends/family have supported them. There is already a lot of guilt associated with having a mental illness so piling that on just isn't helpful. Also it implies the person is choosing to be unwell.

 

You don't look like the type: What exactly is the type? One in four people are affected so next time you're in a room with three others look around and decide which one does look like the type?!

 

Does that mean you want to rip people's faces off all the time?: I was genuinely asked this by someone (who I respect and like a lot and who was definitely not trying to be hurtful) when I revealed I had a mental health issue. Despite films/television etc somewhat glamorising the issue and in the main only showing the severe end of the scale, most of us have no aggressive tendencies (except when asked questions like this!).

 

It could be worse: I read a brilliant quote once which went along the lines of 'telling someone they can't be sad because it could be worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because it could be better'.

 

Yeah I feel a bit sad today too: Clearly much work needs to go into educating people about the difference between 'low mood' and 'clinical depression' or 'feeling anxious' and 'anxiety' as this one is all too common.

 

It's just attention seeking: Many people with mental health issues entirely or partially conceal their illness and, even if you're close to them, you will probably not know how bad they truly feel. If we were attention seeking, we'd do something comical or outrageous, we wouldn't sit at home on our own feeling terrible.

 

Why are you sad when you're so lucky?: Yes, having a job/friends/family/a nice home etc does make you lucky. It doesn't stop you getting unwell. A tip for people who use this line - next time you see someone who's had a heart attack/stroke/cancer, go up to them and ask them why they feel ill when they are 'so lucky'. See how that one goes down!

 

Cheer up: Gee thanks, you've magically cured me!

 

I'll stop there as I could go on all day! Feel free to leave your pet 'mental health reaction' peeves in the comments though.

 

Harriet

(This post explains what people's reactions are like in an entertaining but insightful way!)

Tumblr

Find our Tumblr here!

A couple of weeks ago we took the plunge and launched our Tumblr page - a place for us to share our own photos as well as promoting other pictures relating to mental health. Here's a snapshot of some of the pictures we've particularly liked this week:

Mentoring evening success

Jan and Andy Higgitt from Jestaminute, Neil Ordish from Headgym, Elaine Grant from Early Help, Andrea Maddocks from MentorLink, Danielle Campbell from Hayward Wright, Beth Haining from Global Harmony and MHAG vice-chair Rebecca Blake

A massive thank you from MHAG to all of the people who attended our meeting on Tuesday (December 2) which was aimed at informing residents and organisations about what we do but more specifically around letting people know about the mentoring project.

The pilot launched almost six months ago now – co-ordinated by Neil Ordish of Headgym, Beth Haining of Global Harmony, Elaine Grant from Early Help and Mentor Link’s Andrea Maddocks. The aim is to provide long-term support for people who may have accessed statutory services but need extra support once that NHS input has come to an end. It’s a long-recognised problem mental health isn’t fixable in six weeks – some people may need months or even years to get back to a point where they’re feeling more positive about their life.

Currently the mentoring project helps 20 people – each of them get a slot once a fortnight either over the phone, on Skype or face to face with mentors Neil and Beth – and it’s all goals-focused so each time they are working towards achieving a measurable goal. It’s been fantastically successful and the feedback the team are getting is great – people really making changes in their lives due to the input of Beth and Neil who are supported with all the management of the project by Elaine and Andrea.

The team are now putting together funding bids to enable the project to continue long-term and fingers crossed it’ll be something we see happening in Redditch for a long time to come!

Once again, thanks to all who attended on Tuesday – getting over 40 people including representatives from the police, borough council, health and care trust and many other organisations to come together on a cold evening in December is great and is testament to the real focus on mental health which is being led from the ground upward.

Promoting mental health at the council

Today we’d like to share with you some of the speech given by Laney Walsh, UNISON branch secretary at Redditch Borough Council, at our last MHAG meeting. It was great to hear Laney talk about the work being done within the town and how this is being recognised far beyond the borough boundaries. Some of the comments which particularly inspired us were:

 

 

 

On taking part in the Time to Change pledge: “I knew there would be some interest but I was really surprised at the high level of interest there was and therefore the high need for support in the workplace. Staff are suffering silently because mental health is perceived to be a weakness. It is perceived to be a condition of choice and a condition you create yourself...It has evolved in a big way, there are action plans within the workforce and most senior managers have signed individual pledges as have the majority of elected members.”

 

On going to an awards ceremony where they were given a regional prize for health and safety based on the mental health work they are doing: “The president of UNISON is a mental health nurse and her words at the awards ceremony were: 'this is pioneering and trailblazing'. She wants to come to the council to see what's happening.”

 

On how fantastic Redditch is!: “I do think Redditch and Bromsgrove are pioneering towns, they are taking the bull by the horns and speaking about things other people are scared to talk about. That's the biggest barrier to overcome now - I have always felt mental health is the unknown, the unspoken, the unacknowledged and the brushed aside. We are taking it forward and making it better and easier for people to deal with.

There's not anybody out there that hasn't been touched by something. Redditch and Bromsgrove councils have a workforce of approximately 1,000 with around one in four affected by mental health. We would never ignore that if it was a physical illness. Employers are starting to understand but there is still a long way to go and I'm in it til the end.”

 

On speaking up about mental health in the workplace: “Health, safety and wellbeing is a very different thing now to what it was 20 years ago. Until we start standing up and saying you're making me ill, we are not going to see big changes. It is a drip drip effect.

Staff want someone to listen without judging, be there for them and realise it's not a weakness. I think it's a strength - there's a strength in a mentally ill person that's not found in everybody.”

Mince Pies and Mental Health - a festive invite

Thank you Hillcrest

It's been six months today since I was admitted into a mental health ward - I thought that milestone would be a good time to look back and actually praise some elements of the service I received. Obviously the purpose of an action group is to improve what's on offer and the very nature of the group means it's going to attract people who are dissatisfied with what's going on. But my aim is not and has never been to attack the people who work day in day out for Redditch residents, the people who really care.

The decision to be admitted voluntarily into Hillcrest in Redditch was the hardest thing I've ever done. Sitting in the Alexandra Hospital knowing I was being transferred over the road to become a mental health inpatient was nothing short of terrifying. I remember thinking I just wanted to look back in a week, a month or a year and feel like I made the right decision.

A lady came to transfer me and she was truly the most wonderful person, my mom told me she had tears in her eyes as she left me on the ward. I wish I knew her name as her actions that day truly touched both myself and my mom. From that moment for the rest of my stay at Hillcrest the staff were incredible and I wish every single one of them could know how grateful I am to them.

For the first time, I felt supported, cared about and worthy of help. Up until then it had been a fruitless six months fighting against the system. Now I could see my friends and family visibly relax knowing they were leaving me in safe hands. Now I finally felt safe. I felt I could open up and chat about my feelings to professionals for the first time - I wasn't a number or a hassle, I was a person.

There are huge flaws in the system and there is much still to campaign for - something myself and other MHAG members will not stop doing - but it's also good to stop and thank the true heroes of the system from time to time. Everyone's experience in a mental health hospital will be vastly different but mine is definitely worthy of praise.

So this is my public thank you to everyone who works at Hillcrest - you and my friends and family helped turn my life around and I hope I can repay you in some small way by making the system you work within that little bit better.

I'll end this on a piece of advice one of the student nurses told me on one of my first days which will always stick with me:

"If you have a bad day, remember it's a bad day not a bad life."

Harriet

School - where good mental health starts

When you spend a large portion of your life thinking about mental health, you come across all sorts of statistics. They never fail to shock or move me but sometimes one sticks out and stays with me for a long time. One of the biggest ones for me is the fact 50 per cent of all mental health issues emerge before the age of 14 and 75 per cent before 25.

Just let that sink in for a while. 

While we all know it's true (how often do you speak to someone and their mental health was a problem right from their school days?) and I myself am in that bracket, it's still a pretty staggering figure. And it makes it all the more puzzling why next to nothing is done in schools on mental health. I appreciate it's hugely dependant on which school you went to and I don't have firsthand experience of schooling in Redditch so really can't comment on what they are or aren't doing here; however it just isn't good enough things are done on such an ad hoc basic. Essentially it's luck of the draw whether your school will be good at dealing with mental health or not.

To me school is a place where you learn how to live in the real world. In theory your guide ropes tying you your parents or carers are snipped away slowly until you can stand without support. This not only requires you to learn educationally, but also to learn some life lessons too. Even if you think of it as being a 'sausage factory' churning out identi-kit corporate suits who have five degrees and all the business know-how you could ever want, these people are still that - people. They will have relationship breakdowns, traumatic events and plenty of stress to deal with, even if they're not affected by a diagnosable mental health issue.

Our formative years are exactly the time to be giving young people the tools the know how to deal with issues which will arise throughout their lives. We'll never eradicate severe mental health issues and there will always have to be a system set up to deal with those at that end of the spectrum but is is clear by talking openly and offering coping mechanisms we can make a change in the way the next generation tackle problems going forward.

I'm not for a minute suggesting untrained teachers should be responsible for this on top of the workload they already have but what I am strongly suggesting is we are doing a disservice to our children by sending them off into the big, wide world with a string of A grades but no emotional resilience except that which they've had to teach themselves.

There seems to be a fear which arises from the stigma surrounding mental health that we can't mention it to children - as if they may spontaneously combust at the mere mention of the topic. Of course sitting down pre-schoolers to have an in depth discussion on suicide is wholly inappropriate but age-appropriate sessions could and should be incorporated into school life so that it becomes normal to talk about mental health and wellbeing.

Every child experiences it - whether through their own issues or those of a family member or friend - so it's simply unacceptable to shy away from discussing it with them. It saves money in the long term if fewer children end up entering the system later on and more than that, it is our moral responsibility to guide them - not only educationally but also emotionally. We are failing the next generation if we don't.

Locked up for the crime of being unwell

Few could fail to be moved by the plight of the 16-year-old girl who hit the headlines over the weekend after it was revealed she spent two nights in a police cell as there was no hospital bed for her anywhere.

Even if you have no experience of mental health, the thought of a terrified and very poorly young girl being locked up - not because she was guilty of a terrible crime but because she was too ill to stay at home - is beyond awful. 

Many will use this story as a reason to attack the Government or to talk about the politics of the situation - whilst I agree we need to have discussions around why this has been allowed to happen and how our supposedly civilised society allows for such barbaric treatment, it's not about name calling or pointing figures. 

Mental health has been the Cinderella of the health service since the dawn of time, the black sheep of the family brushed under the carpet - now it's gaining more prominence but  this needs to effect change, not just push politically-minded people to choose a side to blame. We need to hold those in charge in our health trusts, hospitals, council chambers and Houses of Parliament to account but we need to make sure we're doing this constructively.

This girl is already a victim of a system not set up to actually care for those in real need. By highlighting her story we (and by we I mean anyone who cares about mental health - which really should be us all) can push those in charge to do better. To introduce new rules to ensure this doesn't happen again. To assign some value to the vast proportion of people in our society with mental health issues. To make her the last (but sadly not the only) treated this way.

It's about not only having the conversation but having it in a constructive way (Saying: I went through the system and think it could be improved for patients in this way/asking MPs to raise it in Parliament/querying how the money for mental health is spent) not simply using it as an opportunity to shout 'you're rubbish' at people.

Because let's not forget behind the stats, the well used 'one in four' figure and the headlines - there is a girl. A frightening, confused, very poorly girl. A girl thrown in a cell used for the rapists, murderers and paedophiles of our society for the 'crime' of being unwell. A girl who, if she had any number of physical health issues, would never be treated this way. A girl whose family and friends will be at breaking point right now. A girl who will not be helped by onlookers throwing spiteful politically-loaded words at others. A girl who just wants someone to tell her it will all be okay and not only that - but to actually then make it okay.

The Mask

Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
for I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art which is second nature to me -
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give the impression that I'm secure, sunny and unruffled,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no-one.

But don't believe me. Please.

That surface may seem smooth,
but my surface is my mask.
Beneath this lies no complacency.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion,
in fear and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anyone to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me to pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it - that is,
if it is followed by acceptance,
if it is followed by Love;

it is the only thing which will assure me
of what I can't assure myself -
that I'm worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare, I'm afraid to - afraid your glance will not
be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by Love.

I'm afraid that you will think less of me,
that you will laugh at me,
and your laugh would kill me!
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate game,
with a facade of assurance without,
and a trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.

I chatter idly to you of superficialities.
I tell you everything that is really nothing,
and nothing of what is everything -
of what is crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine,
do not be fooled by what I'm saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what, for survival, need to say but can't.

I dislike hiding - honestly! I dislike the phoney game I'm playing.

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that is the last thing that I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death.
only you can call me to aliveness.

Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding
you can breathe life into me.

I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.
You alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely person.

Do not pass me by.
Please do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The more closely you approach me, the more blindly I strike back.

But I am told that love is stronger than walls,
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands
but with gentle hands...for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well,
for I am every man that you meet,
and I am every woman that you meet.

Chair's welcome for our poetry night

I'd like to talk to you all about a subject close to my heart

No one was looking at mental health so we made a start

We wanted to bring it up as an important topic

Because when people ignore it, that's what gets on our wick

We held a meeting last May to see who would come

And since then we've done loads of work and had lots of fun

Fundraising's our aim to bring services to the town

And driving the stigma around it right down

We believe mental health is on a par with the physical stuff

And those who cope with illnesses are really quite tough

It's hard to find doctors who help and can seem like a task

We want there to be services out there when people ask

Thanks for coming to listen to a few poems tonight

We hope you'll think about donating to make the future bright

If you want to come along and get involved in MHAG

There's a monthly meeting, you won't find it a drag

In between we go to lots of different places

So you might think you've already seen our faces

If you want more information please come and find me

Or Beccy Blake who's my right hand lady

For now I'll end this poem and say goodnight

Because some of my rhymes are really quite shi...

What makes me happy?

A few days back I posted the results of an artwork project with Birchensale Middle School where the children were asked what made them happy. Going back through the art created by the children last year made me think a little more about what makes me happy (something I thought a lot about over the summer while recovering from what the health professionals dub a 'depressive episode'). I thought if you'd allow me to indulge myself - and perhaps make you think about it too! - I'd share some of my thoughts:

My support network:
How often do we hear those words banded about? Especially when talking about mental health. But really and truly, having friends and family around me is something I valued more than anything else when I was poorly and they got me through some pretty bad days. It's horrible to think some people don't have that love there surrounding them (or perhaps just can't see it because of their illness). I guess that was part of the reason for being involved in a charitable organisation - if attending an MHAG meeting, getting to know our members, reading stuff we write on various social media outlets or being able to access some services through MHAG helps people feel they have a support network there then we've done what we set out to do!

Writing:
As many people know, I'm a journalist by trade so writing is something I do every single day. When I was younger I wrote copious amounts of short stories, poems, letters etc - filling up numerous notebooks or typing away on the computer for hours. Over the years as the pressures of being an adult with all the associated responsibilities grew, I lost that desire to sit down and write somewhere along the way (having time to do it is always an issue too!). On the first day I went into Hillcrest I decided my recovery project would be to complete a journal for 100 days. I took this as an opportunity not only to document what life was like on a mental health ward and immediately after being discharged, but also to delve back into my life and the important episodes - good and bad - which had shaped it. I would whole-heartedly recommend this to anyone! Or if you're not a fan of writing, perhaps something else creative which you can take some time out of the daily grind of life to complete?

Learning how to relax:
Many people, myself included, are guilty of living at 100mph - constantly rushing around and doing something. I know especially when I'm unwell I'm prone to cover up any signs of the illness by taking on more and more and making myself busy all the time. When I first knew I was becoming more unwell, I was in the midst of planning our first Wellbeing Week while launching a new paper at work and training for the Birmingham Half Marathon. Most people would have got to the end of that hectic period and sat down for a little rest - not me. I kept on at that pace for months before my mind (and my body) was screaming at me to stop and essentially gradually I shut down bit by bit until I wasn't functioning at all.
The first day in Hillcrest was probably the first time I'd sat and done absolutely nothing (except for some sudoku, reading and writing) for about a year. When I got out I found some Youtube videos about muscle relaxation and guided meditation and used those to get back on track with my sleeping. It's not easy and I'm by no means an expert but I definitely try and carve out a little time for myself each week - whether it's just to scroll absentmindedly through Twitter for a while or have an early night. Sometimes if you're so busy rushing through it and forget to stop and look around you, you miss all the good things which are actually happening!

MHAG:
Myself and vice-chair Beccy often joke MHAG is our baby but being involved in it since its inception - from those very early chats between the two of us wondering if we could get some interested people together to talk about mental health, to today when I get to meet with all sorts of people and chat about the issue and help organise fund-raisers and awareness-raising events - is without doubt one of the most rewarding things I've ever done.
Many people tell me trying to run MHAG alongside holding down a full-time job is too stressful and I should consider giving it up but I truly believe I wouldn't be as happy without it. It gives me a huge sense of pride to look at how it's grown and a feeling of excitement thinking about where we could take it in the future. Every single meeting, I still marvel at the fact people have come together to talk about mental health and there are so many motivated, intelligent, compassionate, creative, wonderful people who call themselves MHAG members!
So a little thank you from me to everyone here. Without getting too gushy (I have a real tendency to!) I truly admire every single person who's had the courage to come and share their experiences with us, I truly respect all of the members who give up their free time to make MHAG happen and I truly have made friends with some of the most fantastic people you could hope to meet through this little organisation which has come so far in the last two years.

Thank you,
Harriet.